I'm sitting in front of this blank page wondering if I have all that much to say...I have to admit I was excited to see that at least two people that I know of have taken a minute to skim through my thoughts. And honestly, some small narcasstic part of me puffed up like a peacock. I always though I might be able to write a book, so at least now I know I might sell two copies.
In any case, the point of writing all of this down is to find some small morsel of wisdom that I know has to be in here somewhere so that I might pass it on to my kids of whom I'm not even certain if they will read. Last night I was trying to have a heart to heart with the baby. Of course "baby" is relative she is the youngest, but she is afterall on the verge of womanhood at 17. In fact she has grown into a lovely young and I have to say unique individual. Not unique in a weird way, I mean she doesn't sit in the corner sucking her thumb or bang her head on the wall, nothing like that. But unique in the sense that I don't think I've ever actually met anyone quite like her. She is an odd combination of teen angst and mature adult and has been for many years. She's experienced more than her share of loss in her short life making her much more mistrusting than I would have ever hoped for her. I think the term "wise beyond her years" is probably appropriate, and sometimes I look at her and think, "How in the world did she grow to be so amazing with this hot mess of a mom she's got?" I'm so very proud of her...my little cheerleader/sailor!
Anyway, I'm having this conversation with her trying to give her a little unsolicited advice, much like the advice I was writing about yesterday that my parents used to try and give me. And I didn't actually realize this until last night at ten pm, but unlike myself who knows nada, she on the other hand knows everything! I mean all I had to do was ask her and she was more than willing to tell me (via eye rolling and big loud sighs) that I really have no idea about life or what it's like to be a teenager or well...pretty much anything. I left the conversation feeling frustrated and wondering if I actually got my point across or did she just give in to my Chinese water tourture tactics and nod her head yes to get rid of me. I decided it was time to exit her room when she looked at me with pity in her big brown beautiful eyes as if to say, "you poor woman...I love you and I know that you are trying, but you truely are an idiot"
After the convo I went back to my room just a little frustrated about the fact that I don't know if I got my point across before she shut me down. Then it hit me, I actually started doubting myself. Is it possible that I am actually out of touch with "kids today"? Have I really forgotten what it's like to be a teen? I mean certainly it was just yesterday that I was blaring Bon Jovi on the cassette player in my '77 Gremlin sneaking cigarettes praying that my dad would never miss the one I stole from his pack. It was only a week ago that I was begging my mom to let me go to the party that everyone who was anyone was going to be at, wasn't it? I think last month I was grounded for missing curfew when I fell asleep at my boyfriend's house on Friday night after a long night of cheering the high school football game. I got up to brush my teeth thinking about what went wrong and how I might have presented to my beautiful baby girl this little bit of advice in a different way that she might listen....and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. In that instant I realized that it wasn't yesterday or last week or last month. I am actually all grown up and probably am a little out of touch of what it's like to be a teen today. Staring back at me was not my mom, my dad, not my husband or father but in that reflection I saw experience, resilience, strength, and pride. Most importantly, I can and I have filled up a blank page on more than one occasion and I do have a lot to say. Now if I can just figure out how to get those damn kids to listen!!!
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